I had a really interesting conversation with a coworker yesterday. She was divorced last year and is really struggling making ends meet. Now, granted, she has a seriously bigger fish to fry than I do, what with having to raise three kids and make a mortgage payment on her part-time salary. These were bills that were paid with her husband’s two jobs and her salary before, and now she’s making it on her own. He pays child support, exactly to the penny of the court order and nothing more. It doesn’t seem to matter to him that she is paying for cheerleading classes, gymnastics, daycare, orthodontics, and medical benefits. What a prince.
Anyway, it occurred to me that we really aren’t open to each other as women in this society. I mean, this has been going on with her for at least a year now, and I have had my troubles for a few months, we have been workmates for three years and never mentioned our trouble to each other. Yesterday I was discussing medical bills and just came out with the information that I am a credit nightmare and it’s going to take me years to rebuild…and out came her story. Amazing that we never thought to share with each other and seek comfort and guidance. This morning it was like we were two different people. We had stories about ex-spouse drama, bills, and the most diplomatic ways to handle terrible situations. (Well, when we can hold our tempers long enough to be diplomatic. Admittedly, this sometimes doesn’t happen.)
I wonder sometimes how much better we would feel if we just let it out. I think this must take a huge amount of trust, though. I mean, what if I spill my guts about some crazy thing that is going on in my life…and the person I share it with doesn’t tell me anything about herself? Instead, she makes mental notes about my suffering and decides to make me the next big gossip topic or looks down on me for the rest of our friendship? There are people that would do that, people who use your trouble to make themselves feel superior. When do we start to trust each other? Or do we keep paying a c-note to our therapist for the privilege of getting something off our chests?
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I can tell you that it is incredibly helpful to share your experiences and process your emotions with friends. A pastor/counselor friend of mine recently told me that research has shown that it is actually more helpful to talk to a friend than to a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist.
ReplyDeleteThe trust issue is huge, though... I don't know what to tell you on that because people have this annoying habit of hurting each other- even people that really care about and don't mean to hurt you. The real trick is making and sustaining the kind of friends you can honestly trust to listen to you share your story and genuinely care for you with an investment of themselves. I sincerely hope you have some friends like this. I will be cheering you on as you venture forth to make new friends who will take good care of you- and I am genuinely interested in submitting an application to fill that position, too!